allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
