I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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