I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
