I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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