Someone shit on the floor
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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