Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
