I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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