His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
