I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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