Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
