Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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