Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
