Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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