Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
