im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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