i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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