In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
