did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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