Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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