He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The adults are the big ones right?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
