If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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