My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
