Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
