the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
