Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
