my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
