no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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