You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
