I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
