some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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