my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
