I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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