On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
