OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
