you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
