Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
