his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
