im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
