my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
