i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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