My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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