i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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