Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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