i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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