What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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