I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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