just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she told me i tasted like america
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
