Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
