Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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