3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
